When dreams are happening


  • Teaching an awesome theatre class to some little kids
  • eating too much brie last night and watching DVRd Jeopardy
  • seeing an amazing performance of “The Little Mermaid” at the San Diego Junior Theatre – all elements were spectacular
  • my health, having basic necessities
  • had an audition for a low budget feature -felt good enough for a call back- you want this Chinese American girl for your Chinese American girl role!
  • 6 auditions and one callback in 2 weeks!

I blog for myself (mainly, and if someone follows me it’s a totally huge accomplishment), and I have a little awakening this week as I was driving to and from LA for about the 100th time for auditions- that I forget to be thankful that I have shelter and food. So I am making sure that is the first thing I write about today.

One of the affirmations I am working on is “I am safe” or “I am ok.” Being in this crazy world where you have constant talk about day jobs or who doesn’t have a day job and how many auditions/callbacks you got in a week, it’s hard to feel OK. It’s hard to feel safe. It’s true, I do have everything I need right here and right now. I have a bed, a loving relationship, and brie. I go to farmers markets and worry about the next time I am going to do yoga. I am constantly agonizing about the next step I take and if it is the right direction. I always think that I am not working hard enough and I want to fully accept my choice that I have chosen a life as an actor. I worry that I am seen as a flake or that I am I not doing a good job at my “day job” because I have to put acting first. I worry that I will be fired. I am starting to look for other jobs that will probably be less rewarding but perhaps I can work the night shift and not worry about calling out as much, but probably won’t see my gentleman lover either. But, in the long run this will help me bring about the life that I want for both us. Always seem like a juggling act. Sacrificing.

Each day can be drastically different. One day I feel like I am building momentum, while the next, I am positive that I am standing in the exact same place watching everyone else zoom by. I am trying to live in the present and be truly happy for the people that I know that are having accomplishments. There is room for everyone in this business. That is what one casting director/manager told me. I remember a little light that went on when I heard that. Yes, why isn’t there room for everyone. There is! Some days it’s harder to believe that.

My friend booked his first commercial spot this week. We were at the same audition and we both had callbacks. I am so happy for him. Yet, disappointed that I couldn’t close the deal. Might have been the fact that I came to the wrong callback for a different spot at a different time. But it was the same client. Hey, I did what I could with the traffic from San Diego to LA.

An old acquaintance has a show on ABC. She is a writer and executive producer and I think IT. IS. AMAZING. I met her when I was still going to school in San Francisco and I was working at the Magic Theatre. David Mamet was premiering his “Faustas” there and I was a PA. I remember having to basically miss an entire class of Film History I that semester because working as a PA for David Mamet on this play was such a high for me. I still got an A in the class.

David Mamet’s assistant was a girl who was a writer or wanted to be a writer. And for all of you who are curious about how David Mamet was as a person: I remember him as being very funny, generous, blunt, and a full steam ahead type of guy. A few years later, I found his assistant on the world wide interwebs and we become “friends.” I sent her a message but never heard back. No biggie.

Then, last week I saw her post something. She doesn’t post very much, but it was a link to a new comedy on ABC called “Trophy Wife.” She created this show! She is writing! She is doing it. I sent her another message about how awesome it was to see that this was happening for her. Would love to meet up sometime when I am in LA. Haven’t heard back. Don’t expect to, but it doesn’t hurt my feelings. I just am genuinely happy for her. I don’t know what her struggles have been to get to this place but I bet it hasn’t always been easy. She “did” it. I am trying to “do” it. The longer I have been doing this I see acquaintances and colleagues on commercials, print ads, magazine covers, shows- whatever. I don’t know if it is a testament of how we are growing in our careers together or just I have met a lot of people and some of them are bound to book stuff. Yes, part of me is jealous. But I can’t be right for every role. But, more than that, I need to be happy for them. Happy for all the accomplishments of this crazy, vapid, industry that will make you more tired than you can ever imagine.

So I say to you…dreams are happening. Make them happen for the right reasons. Be happy when they do, even if they are not yours.




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